Page History

1610  \[ 1611 \]  January: After I had much displeased my God by followings idle and vain pastimes, as sitting late up at \---, with my unkind omitting my family exercise, I was much unsettled, as there was cause, yet God (when I thought his anger was even hot against me) drew me to repentance and showed me sweet mercy.

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Finding by much examination that ordinary shootings in a gun, etc: could not stand with a good conscience in my self, as first, for that it is simply prohibited by the law of the land, upon this ground amongst others, that it spoils more of the creatures than it gets; 2 it procures offence unto many; 3 it wastes great store of time; 4 it toils a mans body overmuch; 5 it endangers a mans life, etc; 6 it brings no profit all things considered; 7 it hazards more of a mans estate by the penalty of it, then a man would willingly parte with: 8 it brings a man of worth and godliness into some contempt; lastly for mine own parte I have ever been crossed in using it, for when I have gone about it not without some wounds of conscience, and have taken much pains and hazarded my health, I have gotten sometimes a very little, but most commonly nothing at all towards my cost and labor: Therefore I have resolved and covenanted with the Lord to give over altogether shootings at the creek; - and for killing of birds, etc: either to leave that altogether or else to use it, both very seldom and very secretly. God (if he please) can give me fowl by some other means, but if he will not, yet, in that it is  \[ his \]  will who loves me, it is sufficient to uphold my resolution.

1611  \[ 1612 \]  Jan: 1. Being admonished by a Christian friend that some good men were offended to hear of some gaming which was used in my house by my servants, etc: I resolved that as for my self not to use any carding etc, so for others to repress it as much as I could, during the continuance of my present state, and if God bring me once to be wholly by my self, then to banish all together.

I had been overtaken, and turned out of my course by entertaining the love of pleasures, and worldly cares into my heart, which brought me out of peace with my God, and took away my delight in prayer and other duties, and made me utterly unfit for study in my Calling. In this estate my heart could not be at rest, I could not live so; I humbled myself and sought pardon and peace again, and I oftentimes was well comforted and persuaded of it but it was soon gone again, and I returned back to my former unsettled and voluptuous course, yet restless therein. The Sabbath came, I arose betimes, and read over the covenant of certain Christians set down in Mr. Rogers' book, and therewith my heart began to break, and my worldly delights which had healed my heart in such slavery before, began to be distasteful and of mean account with me; I concluded with prayer in tears; and so to my family exercise, and then to Church, my heart being still somewhat humbled under God's hand, yet could not get at liberty from my vain pleasures: After dinner and our family exercise, I read Mr. Perkins treatise of the estate of a Christian, etc, thereby as my heart grew more humbled, so my affections were more reclaimed. I went to Box \[ ford \]  Church in the afternoon where I heard with some affection and found sometimes a comfortable consent in prayer; being returned I went into my chamber to prayer, but being hot and weary with going I was forced to leave. I lay me down upon the bed almost overcome with discontent arising partly of my weariness etc. I could not bring my mind to think seriously of any good things, but it began to wander and be idle, so I arose, and knelt down to pray again, but could not; then I endeavored to pray standing, and so striving with the Lord for help against my weakness. At last he enabled me to my full content, and then my heart gave in, and I renounced my beloved pleasures, and was willing to deny myself; then was my mind and conscience at sweet rest, and I desired nothing so much as Christ Jesus and the fellowship of his holy Spirit; then my soul despised and abhorred my former beloved vanities; then was I content to be at God's allowance, that I might enjoy his love and the light of his countenance, although it were with bread and water. Then I saw plainly that the usual cause of the heaviness and uncomfortable life of many Christians is not their religion, or the want of outward comforts (for God's presence in favor brings all sufficiency with it, as Psalm:  \[ 16: \]  In thy presence there is fullness of Joy etc.) but because their consciences enforce them to leave some beloved unlawful liberty before their hearts are resolved willingly to forsake it: whereas if we could deny our own desires and be content to live by faith in our God, the Christian life would be the only merry and sweet life of all. O Heavenly Father I beseech thee give me grace to watch and be sober, and let thy favor and my peace in it be ever of more account with me then all the world besides it. Amen.

 \[ I do find by experience of some good time, that a spare diet and abstinence from worldly delights, is a great means of keeping both body and mind fit and lively to holy duties; I was wont, when I supped liberally, that I was sleepy and unwieldy in my family exercises, and now, when I eat but little (and that ordinarily but bread and beer), I am cheerful and unweary in them. \] 

Amongst other sins which I found in my self, I saw my great unbelief was one of the chiefest, for I had not nourished my faith in Christ and in his word, but had given way to doubting and distrust so far, as I had near lost the use of God's word, which although I continued to read daily, yet my faith was so weakened through difficulties and delays, as I had left off to live by faith in the word: and so for want of faith my prayers failed, my meditations, reading, and all grew tedious and unprofitable, I had no heart to any Christian duty, I thought all was in vain. Hereupon I prayed earnestly and morningly to have my faith strengthened, and God soon heard me and by occasion in my family exercises, I felt my faith begin to revive as a man out of a dream. I acknowledged the infallible truth and certainty of God's most pure and perfect word; my heart leaped within me when I considered it, I embraced it, I cast my self in to it: as fast as temptations came either to fear, doubt, of difficulty or danger, etc, the very first thought of God's word, God's truth, did easily dispel them; and whereas before all my care was to gather peace to my heart from the smallness of my infirmities etc, now my comfort was in bringing them (small or great) unto the blood of Christ, and by applying the promise I found how the crimson sins might be made white as well as the palest-colored. God's truth carried all before it: I found my heart, upon this meditation, willing to set upon any duty, whilst I beheld my warrant in God's book: and whereas sometimes many things did discourage me from duty, as the judgment of the greatest part, the unlikeliness of success, the evil acceptation of others, the fear of loss, disgrace, health, etc, now I remembered what Christ said, "Woe to the world because of offences, and blessed are they that shall not be offended in me": I perceived that these and such like rubs to our faith were the offences that Christ doth partly mean there, and I see that they that will take offence from the opinion of others, their own corrupt reason, common experience, etc, shall never enjoy the comfort of living by faith, for the Child of God must break through all these and say with Paul, Rom:  \[ 3. 4. \]  Let God be true and every man a liar. O Lord I have sinned in that I have not believed thy word that I might sanctify thy name before thy people, but by thy grace I shall not dare hereafter once to doubt of thy holy and eternal truth: Let it be sufficient encouragement and warrant to me in anything, that it is thy Commandment, thy promise etc.

On Wednsday the 24th of March 1618  \[ -19 \] , Margaret my wife was delivered of a son, whereof I desire to leave this testimony of my thankfulness unto God, that she being above 40 hours in sore travail, so as it began to be doubtful of her life, yet the Lord sent her a safe deliverance. Hereby I had occasion to find the great power and benefit of prayer: for Mr. Sandes first praying with her in her trouble, and after myself, it pleased God (although she was not delivered many hours after) yet to increase her strengthen and afterwards, I perceiving her danger, I humbled myself in fasting and mourning, I searched my heart for some sins, and made up my peace with my God, and so getting a more large and melting heart to go unto the Lord, I set myself to prayer, and gave not over until God had sent her deliverance.

It appears by divers precepts of God to Israel, Deut  \[ vi. 7 \] , of talking with their children etc, about God, and by the practice of the faithful in the times of persecution, that we should have religion in as familiar practice as our eating and drinking, dealings about earthly affaires etc, and not to tie it only to the exercises of Divine worship, which makes that there is so little free speech of heavenly matters, and that men are ready to blush at the speaking or hearing thereof, as if it were some straining of modesty.

1620  \[ -21 \] . January 12. Riding through Boxford with Mr. Gurdon in his coach, my son Henry being with me and one of Mr. Gurdon's men, entering into the town the coachman was thrown off and the horses ran through the town over logs and high stumps until they came upon the causeway right against the Church, and there were snarled in the logs, etc; and the coach being broken in pieces, top, bottom and sides, yet by God's most merciful providence we were all safe: blessed be his holy name.